We don't always get the attention from the people we want it from...I know this to be very true. And it's a sad thing because those who do sincerely care and love us, we're blind and cannot see or accept their offers. We have this idea in our head of what these actions should look like, should feel like. How could we be more wrong, and realize it and not realize it at the same time?

Most everything I'm writing here is babbling...I get a thought, go on a tangent, and lose track of what I was trying to say to begin with. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but I do know I was brought around it for some reason or another.

I don't like new. It's terrifying. I'm trying to get past this...I've been trying. But in my head I always thought that I had to 'go big or go home' with it...so if I knew I couldn't give a 100% turn on it, then there was no use trying. I'm taking smaller steps now...changing things 10% at first, and getting ok with that. I'm trying to say things to people without doing it to get the answer I want to hear, but I still have issues with getting no answer. I'm trying to go places and see people that I'm scared of, but still needing at least one anchor to keep me from drifting away in a scary sea...Trying to do good, because it makes me feel good, and not because I want them to do an equal back...but still having that ache for it, which whether or not its visual, it tugs at me hard enough for that to be a big holding back factor. And I'm trying to do all these things to get a personal satisfaction out of it, and not because I want you to see it, and deliver that to me instead.

My happiness is based largely on the people I interact with...if I don't have you guys, I have nothing. But I should know better to not let this happen..I've been there once. I remember once and a while what true lonesomeness felt like, and it scares me to the point of tears. I'm use to trying to work hard at something, and without even realizing it, I shoot myself backwards ten steps and get stuck in where I was a long time ago. And every time, I forget how I got out of it completely.

This might sounds like a depressing or sad post. I don't mean for it to. They are just some of the thoughts that have tumbled through my mind lately. And it also might not make any sense for those who took the time to read all of this. I'm sorry for that too, but I also join you on that note, because I don't even know what I'm thinking half the time.

You're not alone, so I guess, I can't be either?