So, on the chance that some of you may not have noticed, I have updated and made a couple of changes to my blog. (if you're a new reader, you obviously have no idea and everything is new!)

First off, the obvious change would be the layout of my entire blog. I'm pretty picky when it comes to backgrounds and templates and word format and sizing, and blah blah blah. But I think I really like this one, and find it rather suiting, so I plan on having this stick around for a while! Everything should navigate the same way, except that there isnt a navigation bar at the top anymore. No worries, I added a Blogger button on the right hand side so that you fellow members can get back to your dashboard without losing your cool ;)

The other change I made is that I added the option for people to follow me via email. The reason I did this is because I talked to a couple of you guys, and found two main reasons (aside from not wanting to follow someone who writes about nothing) that I did not get your follow: 1. You ignore a lot of your Facebook feed and miss my posting link or 2. You don't want to create a whole blog account and having no intention to write anything, just to follow me. And while I do not-so-secretly wish you would all make blogs and write random stuff for me to read everyday, I hope that this Follow by Email system will work well for you!



And don't be shy to write any comments, I love them, no matter how silly they may be :)

We don't always get the attention from the people we want it from...I know this to be very true. And it's a sad thing because those who do sincerely care and love us, we're blind and cannot see or accept their offers. We have this idea in our head of what these actions should look like, should feel like. How could we be more wrong, and realize it and not realize it at the same time?

Most everything I'm writing here is babbling...I get a thought, go on a tangent, and lose track of what I was trying to say to begin with. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but I do know I was brought around it for some reason or another.

I don't like new. It's terrifying. I'm trying to get past this...I've been trying. But in my head I always thought that I had to 'go big or go home' with it...so if I knew I couldn't give a 100% turn on it, then there was no use trying. I'm taking smaller steps now...changing things 10% at first, and getting ok with that. I'm trying to say things to people without doing it to get the answer I want to hear, but I still have issues with getting no answer. I'm trying to go places and see people that I'm scared of, but still needing at least one anchor to keep me from drifting away in a scary sea...Trying to do good, because it makes me feel good, and not because I want them to do an equal back...but still having that ache for it, which whether or not its visual, it tugs at me hard enough for that to be a big holding back factor. And I'm trying to do all these things to get a personal satisfaction out of it, and not because I want you to see it, and deliver that to me instead.

My happiness is based largely on the people I interact with...if I don't have you guys, I have nothing. But I should know better to not let this happen..I've been there once. I remember once and a while what true lonesomeness felt like, and it scares me to the point of tears. I'm use to trying to work hard at something, and without even realizing it, I shoot myself backwards ten steps and get stuck in where I was a long time ago. And every time, I forget how I got out of it completely.

This might sounds like a depressing or sad post. I don't mean for it to. They are just some of the thoughts that have tumbled through my mind lately. And it also might not make any sense for those who took the time to read all of this. I'm sorry for that too, but I also join you on that note, because I don't even know what I'm thinking half the time.

You're not alone, so I guess, I can't be either?

I have been such a selfish person lately. Take that back, who knows how long I've been being selfish. I withhold so much kindness from everyone, even though there are so many people who are very deserving of it, and who flat out need it. The only time I let it out is when I feel like I will gain something from acting nice...and I hate that. What a waste of effort...and thought...to only do such things in hopes that things will get better for you. How can I be so un-genuine? Why does it take the knees of a falling man with tears down his face and a broken heart in his chest to make me push all my selfishness aside to make my focus switch completely; to only caring that he's ok regardless of what happens elsewhere, to go running to his aide? That's too close of a call...action should have been taken sooner. Instead...I battle with my head about how to make people happy so that they can make me happy in return...it shouldn't be like that. That second step shouldn't even be there.

Even now...what am I doing? Writing a blog about how I feel selfish, but am I doing this in hopes of spelling it out to myself? More than likely, it's being written to get some recognition from whomever actually reads this...and isn't that being selfish too? I shouldn't want pity. I want to write 'I don't want pity" but I'm not completely sure myself that that's the truth...

Kindness should be a bigger part of us. This whole not caring about others is a waste of time, even as I do it I know this to be true. I'm going to try to be better, in all ways. I need to be better for people, because if I am capable of doing this, then I should give it away freely and plenty.

Whether or not some of you choose to believe it or not, I am a very, very caring person. I feel for almost everyone I meet. And given some recent events that have been going on, allow me to just say this:


I sincerely hate people who hurt my friends, it really gets me livid. There's no place for it. They truly are the most wonderful people I know, and to cause them any level of pain (whether they consider it large or minor) is simply not ok. I'm a very protective person, and I will do anything to keep close and important people safe. 


Do not fuck with them.

I recently went to Barnes and Noble with my buddy T.C. I find that the only time I end up going there is when I hang out with him, which is dumb!! Don't get me wrong, he's fun to be with, but I need to go there more often! The atmosphere of that store is incredible, just peaceful and well...full of books!!!




I ended up buying two books this trip, one of them was "The Book of Questions" by Gregory Stock. If you know me, you know I like to ask a long range of random questions, and more importantly I like to meaningful (personal) questions. And this book is chalk full of them, which I feel gives me a good excuse to harass anyone who will listen with them :)

I also overly enjoy being asked questions (I mean, how can I turn down an opportunity to give out my thoughts and opinions? lol) So, even though less genuine, I kind of forced T.C. to ask me a few from the book as well. Most weren't that awe striking, but one did stand out, and ironically it has been a thought that's been floating around in my head for a while now:


"Would you rather be happy yet slow-witted and unimaginative or unhappy yet bright and creative?"


 The answer to this should be obvious, right? Everyone should choose being happy over anything else...but I find myself battling these two options. I use to be completely on the second half of the statement, perhaps not by choice...but nevertheless, that's just how it was. I liked my mind, and my thoughts, and just where I stood in general. But I certainly wasn't happy. It's been a long time since then, and lots of things have changed. I am a much happier person, don't get me wrong, but I do feel that part of me is slipping...I feel dumber...not as quick, and less able to pick up on my senses of others...this I don't like. I have a harder time connecting with the people around me, can't keep up with the overly sensed and intelligent, but still past a level of the people who are blindly happy with being blind.


I don't know precisely what I am to do with this thought, should I act and pick a side? Or should I just leave it and let it take a course? I guess each of those options leads to an obvious point though...


Oh brain of mine.