"Is to question to doubt?"

 I can't honestly say I know where this came from, but this precise phrase popped into my head while I was at work today. Nothing triggered it, that I'm aware of, but it struck me as interesting. And so I must blog about it, yes?

I'm really bad at just accepting things as they are, both good and bad. If things are bad, I don't want to just give up. And if things are good, I don't think it will ever last. I suppose in the general view of things this idea is true, but I doubt its a healthy thought to continuously have. And even though I've gotten better at it, I still have that irking feeling in the back of my mind.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here.

I like questions. Being asked them, asking others them. Mostly deep stuff (or on my own opinion of meaningfulness) is what can catch my interest for hours. This 'interest' is hardly fulfilled, however. People ask me boring unthoughtful stuff, so I am mostly the one showing a higher level of interest, but still beaten down by unthoughtful answers. I guess my mind just isn't the most compatible.

I have no idea why I am writing this. I'm going to stop now.

"Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

My friend, T.C., sent this to me in a letter just before he left for his return home from Texas. Now, sending me letters alone are usually touching enough, but given our recent conversations, this was a much needed quote.

People make assumptions about me...that I'm a bad person, or that I am uncaring. This could not be further from the truth. I could sit here and type out my defense to you, but all in all, that would be a pointless effort. These people, most of them strangers to me, will not read this or take time to see if I truly match up to their expectations. I know I shouldn't care about what they think of me, because I know myself and my friends know me and my family knows me, the people who's opinion actually matters.

But still, from time to time, I feel a bit of hurt when I hear from a third party some people's comments about me... "She says I can't talk to you, because she thinks you're gonna take me.." "She said you were bad mouthing her friend in order to get her fired.." "They are telling people rumors about you, why? I don't know, they just don't like you, I guess..." A lot of the time I take time to sit and think about these accusations : What did I do to make them think these things? Why do they think I'm a bad person? How can they say this when they've never even talked to me?

I could never bring myself to do that to another person. I admit, my hands are not clean from bad mouthing a person, but I feel as though I at least had some tangible evidence or experience to go off of. I wonder if these people know how much their comments hurt? How much it stings when you hear an untrue rumor about you?

It's almost worse when they're friends of a friend, then all you can do is watch them and think "Don't you know what they've done to me?" it gives you that false sense that now even your own friend doesn't care, because if they did they would say something...

...right? Would you? Would I?

But back to the quote. I guess in a way, it really only matters if one person knows I'm doing good. I shouldn't let the negative thoughts and comments deter me from who I really want to be. They shouldn't control my actions. They shouldn't cause me to hate. If anything, I should grow larger than them, and see that love is really lacking in the world we live in, and it should drive me to do and show it more.

I just want to continue loving <3

On a semi-important note, I woke up today around 8am. I don't think I have done that in...oh...say over 6 months? (I counted 8 months). There are two reasons why this is kind of a big deal:

1. I went to bed around 4am, and I am somehow not wishing I was back in bed yet. For someone who sleeps 10+ hours on a typical night, this is a dramatic change, and seemingly impossible task.
2. I have been telling myself for a while now that I wanted to get up earlier...to be more productive with my time, and not waste it all away by sleeping until 2 in the afternoon. And though every night before I rev myself up with motivation and make my list of goals; the next morning I always wake up, shut off my alarm, realize that I literally dont HAVE to do anything until 4pm, and go back to sleeping forever.

It's pretty safe to say that I am not a good self-motivator. A terribly weak quality that I'm not to proud to say has not gotten better over the years. And along with that I don't have a very good idea as to how one should improve on that idea. I guess one way to do it is to purposely set things to be at earlier times in the day. (Classes, appointments, work, ect.)  Today I made an appointment with my counselor at 9:15...IN THE MORNING!! I admit I thought it was a bit crazy for me to even think about getting out of bed before 11...but here I was, waking up at 8, hating myself for it, but still going through with making it on time. And now it's almost noon, and I haven't gone back to bed!

I think I deserve a little pat on the back :)

I seem to wear myself out all the time...but it happens because I don't do anything. Ever. Wanna see how my day usually goes?

1. Wake up around noon.
2. Take doggy outside.
3. Eat cereal, watch episode of House. (it is now 2pmish)
4. Sit and watch movie, or something.
5. Shower. (Now 330pmish)
6. If work, go to work till 930. If not work, see if someone wants to hang out. (5pm)
7. If friend hangs out, they want to drink. or smoke. or something else that gets old when you do it every weekend.
8. Get home. (10pm-12amish)
9. Stay up until 3-4am for no reason.
10. Sleep.

You  should also throw in some random eating fests in there, taking into account that they are in large undesirable portions.

I get motivated every day to change my life, around the time I go to bed...just thinking about how I wasted my day away irritates me. And (as the broken record says) I am sick of the life style I chose to partake in as of late.

It's not so much the idea that I don't enjoy the stuff I do in my abundant amount of free time I have....but its all to a more excessive amount than I would like for it to be.

.... I think I've lost where I was going with this, because of how dull my mind it right now. -_-

So, here is a list of things I would have liked to do today//in my life as of late:

Go to Barnes and Noble
Run on my treadmill
Do crunches
Read my book for bookclub
Unpack apartment
See different friends
Drink coffee
Hang out with bestfriend (cept I changed my mind half way through the day about that)
Have meaningful conversations with meaningful people
Be with meaningful people
Be enrolled in classes

Oh ranting post. :P

So...as pointed out by T.C. in his recent post...I had made a goal for myself to write a post everyday...even if it was insignificant and didn't mean anything...

OH LOOK AT HOW I DIDN'T DO THAT AT ALL!

I mean...come on self! The last time I apparently posted a blog post was all the way back in September. That's pretty pathetic, if I do say so myself.

I will become inspired from the person I inspired!

So....I went shopping! I shouldn't have, cause as you read in my last post I was trying to be smarter with my money and stuff :P BUT! In my defense, I bought things I actually like, and things I will actually wear. So, to waste a blog post and some battery life from my camera, allow me to present to you what I now own:

UGH! I have no idea what I want right now :( from food for lunch, to my path in life...just....clueless! But it's itching at my brain pretty rough...hope it doesn't go too far ><

Ever notice the people who say things like "I'm changing my life starting today!" or "I'm so inspired to do good things!"

Well, if you're reading this, you should know people Like that...because I'm one of them :P

It's sad really...I don't like the idea of being like that. But I guess its more that everyone is kind of like that...because the people who truly did these things, wouldn't be posting it on facebook or blogger...because they wouldn't need to show off that kind of thing, the good feelings would be all inside and outside verification would mean nothing to them.

I wanna be that person.

But I'm also the one posting it to the public.

I know we ALL get that feeling, you come home one night, take a seat, and realize that something is missing. Sometimes it's easy to spot what exactly 'it ' is: a person, a hobby, a job, lost passion, ect. Other times, we haven't the slightest clue what's causing our heart to take a plunge on these seemingly random nights.

That's the kind I'm having right now, the one where my heart is trying to tell me I need something, but I can't see just what that is at the moment. The only feeling I have is that it's something new; something I haven't ever experienced yet in my life, and it's standing just around the corner, waiting patiently for me to find that missing piece, but I forgot how to walk forward and keep bumping into the wall. And though I knock and bang, it just won't turn into the easy door I want it to be. The obvious is certain: you can't achieve anything new by repeating the same steps over again.

I wonder if there's extra pieces everywhere? Do we hold others' missing pieces? Just laying around, all sorts and shapes. Even if we pick it up, and try it on, it will only fit with the one it matches. A predetermined fate. Everything I know points to not trusting that idea, that only I can build and cut out the life I want. I don't know what I want, so how can I do that? I feel enthralled and inspired by the people I meet, who tell me that one day they somehow ran into that missing piece and went, "Wow, yes! This is EXACTLY what I was meant to do with my life." And they just truly know.

I'm the type of person who is aware that something is coming...but it doesn't hit me until it actually happens (sometimes even after!)

One of my most recent examples? My online classes at Rasmussen start tomorrow, and I haven't prepared for anything! I'm not in any shape to begin classes again...so I better work fast!

So, on the chance that some of you may not have noticed, I have updated and made a couple of changes to my blog. (if you're a new reader, you obviously have no idea and everything is new!)

First off, the obvious change would be the layout of my entire blog. I'm pretty picky when it comes to backgrounds and templates and word format and sizing, and blah blah blah. But I think I really like this one, and find it rather suiting, so I plan on having this stick around for a while! Everything should navigate the same way, except that there isnt a navigation bar at the top anymore. No worries, I added a Blogger button on the right hand side so that you fellow members can get back to your dashboard without losing your cool ;)

The other change I made is that I added the option for people to follow me via email. The reason I did this is because I talked to a couple of you guys, and found two main reasons (aside from not wanting to follow someone who writes about nothing) that I did not get your follow: 1. You ignore a lot of your Facebook feed and miss my posting link or 2. You don't want to create a whole blog account and having no intention to write anything, just to follow me. And while I do not-so-secretly wish you would all make blogs and write random stuff for me to read everyday, I hope that this Follow by Email system will work well for you!



And don't be shy to write any comments, I love them, no matter how silly they may be :)

We don't always get the attention from the people we want it from...I know this to be very true. And it's a sad thing because those who do sincerely care and love us, we're blind and cannot see or accept their offers. We have this idea in our head of what these actions should look like, should feel like. How could we be more wrong, and realize it and not realize it at the same time?

Most everything I'm writing here is babbling...I get a thought, go on a tangent, and lose track of what I was trying to say to begin with. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but I do know I was brought around it for some reason or another.

I don't like new. It's terrifying. I'm trying to get past this...I've been trying. But in my head I always thought that I had to 'go big or go home' with it...so if I knew I couldn't give a 100% turn on it, then there was no use trying. I'm taking smaller steps now...changing things 10% at first, and getting ok with that. I'm trying to say things to people without doing it to get the answer I want to hear, but I still have issues with getting no answer. I'm trying to go places and see people that I'm scared of, but still needing at least one anchor to keep me from drifting away in a scary sea...Trying to do good, because it makes me feel good, and not because I want them to do an equal back...but still having that ache for it, which whether or not its visual, it tugs at me hard enough for that to be a big holding back factor. And I'm trying to do all these things to get a personal satisfaction out of it, and not because I want you to see it, and deliver that to me instead.

My happiness is based largely on the people I interact with...if I don't have you guys, I have nothing. But I should know better to not let this happen..I've been there once. I remember once and a while what true lonesomeness felt like, and it scares me to the point of tears. I'm use to trying to work hard at something, and without even realizing it, I shoot myself backwards ten steps and get stuck in where I was a long time ago. And every time, I forget how I got out of it completely.

This might sounds like a depressing or sad post. I don't mean for it to. They are just some of the thoughts that have tumbled through my mind lately. And it also might not make any sense for those who took the time to read all of this. I'm sorry for that too, but I also join you on that note, because I don't even know what I'm thinking half the time.

You're not alone, so I guess, I can't be either?

I have been such a selfish person lately. Take that back, who knows how long I've been being selfish. I withhold so much kindness from everyone, even though there are so many people who are very deserving of it, and who flat out need it. The only time I let it out is when I feel like I will gain something from acting nice...and I hate that. What a waste of effort...and thought...to only do such things in hopes that things will get better for you. How can I be so un-genuine? Why does it take the knees of a falling man with tears down his face and a broken heart in his chest to make me push all my selfishness aside to make my focus switch completely; to only caring that he's ok regardless of what happens elsewhere, to go running to his aide? That's too close of a call...action should have been taken sooner. Instead...I battle with my head about how to make people happy so that they can make me happy in return...it shouldn't be like that. That second step shouldn't even be there.

Even now...what am I doing? Writing a blog about how I feel selfish, but am I doing this in hopes of spelling it out to myself? More than likely, it's being written to get some recognition from whomever actually reads this...and isn't that being selfish too? I shouldn't want pity. I want to write 'I don't want pity" but I'm not completely sure myself that that's the truth...

Kindness should be a bigger part of us. This whole not caring about others is a waste of time, even as I do it I know this to be true. I'm going to try to be better, in all ways. I need to be better for people, because if I am capable of doing this, then I should give it away freely and plenty.