"Is to question to doubt?"

 I can't honestly say I know where this came from, but this precise phrase popped into my head while I was at work today. Nothing triggered it, that I'm aware of, but it struck me as interesting. And so I must blog about it, yes?

I'm really bad at just accepting things as they are, both good and bad. If things are bad, I don't want to just give up. And if things are good, I don't think it will ever last. I suppose in the general view of things this idea is true, but I doubt its a healthy thought to continuously have. And even though I've gotten better at it, I still have that irking feeling in the back of my mind.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here.

I like questions. Being asked them, asking others them. Mostly deep stuff (or on my own opinion of meaningfulness) is what can catch my interest for hours. This 'interest' is hardly fulfilled, however. People ask me boring unthoughtful stuff, so I am mostly the one showing a higher level of interest, but still beaten down by unthoughtful answers. I guess my mind just isn't the most compatible.

I have no idea why I am writing this. I'm going to stop now.

"Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

My friend, T.C., sent this to me in a letter just before he left for his return home from Texas. Now, sending me letters alone are usually touching enough, but given our recent conversations, this was a much needed quote.

People make assumptions about me...that I'm a bad person, or that I am uncaring. This could not be further from the truth. I could sit here and type out my defense to you, but all in all, that would be a pointless effort. These people, most of them strangers to me, will not read this or take time to see if I truly match up to their expectations. I know I shouldn't care about what they think of me, because I know myself and my friends know me and my family knows me, the people who's opinion actually matters.

But still, from time to time, I feel a bit of hurt when I hear from a third party some people's comments about me... "She says I can't talk to you, because she thinks you're gonna take me.." "She said you were bad mouthing her friend in order to get her fired.." "They are telling people rumors about you, why? I don't know, they just don't like you, I guess..." A lot of the time I take time to sit and think about these accusations : What did I do to make them think these things? Why do they think I'm a bad person? How can they say this when they've never even talked to me?

I could never bring myself to do that to another person. I admit, my hands are not clean from bad mouthing a person, but I feel as though I at least had some tangible evidence or experience to go off of. I wonder if these people know how much their comments hurt? How much it stings when you hear an untrue rumor about you?

It's almost worse when they're friends of a friend, then all you can do is watch them and think "Don't you know what they've done to me?" it gives you that false sense that now even your own friend doesn't care, because if they did they would say something...

...right? Would you? Would I?

But back to the quote. I guess in a way, it really only matters if one person knows I'm doing good. I shouldn't let the negative thoughts and comments deter me from who I really want to be. They shouldn't control my actions. They shouldn't cause me to hate. If anything, I should grow larger than them, and see that love is really lacking in the world we live in, and it should drive me to do and show it more.

I just want to continue loving <3

On a semi-important note, I woke up today around 8am. I don't think I have done that in...oh...say over 6 months? (I counted 8 months). There are two reasons why this is kind of a big deal:

1. I went to bed around 4am, and I am somehow not wishing I was back in bed yet. For someone who sleeps 10+ hours on a typical night, this is a dramatic change, and seemingly impossible task.
2. I have been telling myself for a while now that I wanted to get up earlier...to be more productive with my time, and not waste it all away by sleeping until 2 in the afternoon. And though every night before I rev myself up with motivation and make my list of goals; the next morning I always wake up, shut off my alarm, realize that I literally dont HAVE to do anything until 4pm, and go back to sleeping forever.

It's pretty safe to say that I am not a good self-motivator. A terribly weak quality that I'm not to proud to say has not gotten better over the years. And along with that I don't have a very good idea as to how one should improve on that idea. I guess one way to do it is to purposely set things to be at earlier times in the day. (Classes, appointments, work, ect.)  Today I made an appointment with my counselor at 9:15...IN THE MORNING!! I admit I thought it was a bit crazy for me to even think about getting out of bed before 11...but here I was, waking up at 8, hating myself for it, but still going through with making it on time. And now it's almost noon, and I haven't gone back to bed!

I think I deserve a little pat on the back :)

I seem to wear myself out all the time...but it happens because I don't do anything. Ever. Wanna see how my day usually goes?

1. Wake up around noon.
2. Take doggy outside.
3. Eat cereal, watch episode of House. (it is now 2pmish)
4. Sit and watch movie, or something.
5. Shower. (Now 330pmish)
6. If work, go to work till 930. If not work, see if someone wants to hang out. (5pm)
7. If friend hangs out, they want to drink. or smoke. or something else that gets old when you do it every weekend.
8. Get home. (10pm-12amish)
9. Stay up until 3-4am for no reason.
10. Sleep.

You  should also throw in some random eating fests in there, taking into account that they are in large undesirable portions.

I get motivated every day to change my life, around the time I go to bed...just thinking about how I wasted my day away irritates me. And (as the broken record says) I am sick of the life style I chose to partake in as of late.

It's not so much the idea that I don't enjoy the stuff I do in my abundant amount of free time I have....but its all to a more excessive amount than I would like for it to be.

.... I think I've lost where I was going with this, because of how dull my mind it right now. -_-

So, here is a list of things I would have liked to do today//in my life as of late:

Go to Barnes and Noble
Run on my treadmill
Do crunches
Read my book for bookclub
Unpack apartment
See different friends
Drink coffee
Hang out with bestfriend (cept I changed my mind half way through the day about that)
Have meaningful conversations with meaningful people
Be with meaningful people
Be enrolled in classes

Oh ranting post. :P

So...as pointed out by T.C. in his recent post...I had made a goal for myself to write a post everyday...even if it was insignificant and didn't mean anything...

OH LOOK AT HOW I DIDN'T DO THAT AT ALL!

I mean...come on self! The last time I apparently posted a blog post was all the way back in September. That's pretty pathetic, if I do say so myself.

I will become inspired from the person I inspired!